My Dad got 8 years in prison, starting this morning. I am really sad that I was not able to give him a hug goodbye. They just ripped him from us before we could even blink. He is in county jail for the next few months until there is room to place him into a state prison. Until he is moved to a state prison I will not be able to hug him. I get to see him two times a week for twenty minutes through a glass window on the phone. What hurts the most though is my mom was not able to give him a hug and kiss goodbye. And when I told her that she would not be able to touch him for a while she broke into tears.

My little sister is who I am worried the most about though, my parents were her only stability in her life. Rock solid, never changing. She was so relient on my dad, she used him as her rock. She was the definition of a Daddy's girl. Now that he is gone she is really distraught. Little things set her bawling. Pepsi in the refrigerator, His John Deere collection in his office. I am so worried about her.

Then I am worried about my mom. She is from another country and my Dad has handled most of the finances and the logistical stuff around the house. Now that he is not here she is really lost. I told her I would handle the financial stuff, and thank God Glenn is here to help me figure it out. I don't know how in the heck any of it works.

I try not to let myself cry around them, I am trying to be the voice of reason that always says "everything is going to be alright", "God is helping us through", and all those things that usually come out half hearted. But the truth is, I am scared to death for my Dad. First off for his safety, then for his spiritual side and his joy and then for him being gone for so long. The lawyer made it clear to him, that when people ask him why he is in for him to say "drugs" because if he told them what it really was he would be beat up in ways I can't bear to think about.

My family is so close, I love my Dad so much. I could never wish for anyone better...but my heart is broken.

Tomorrow morning at 9am I will be sitting in a court room for the first time - petrified.

My Dad's make or break court date is tomorrow. It is really a sentencing hearing, and we are appealing for probation. What my Dad did was wrong, but he never acted on it. It was just all talk that got him in trouble. He has a squeaky clean record, so there is a chance we may leave there with him having probation. Which is what we are praying so hard for.

I have not cried about the situation since he got arrested last November. A few weeks ago I found my dad sobbing on the floor and my mom with him - but I just did not shed one tear. I stood there, cold as stone. Not upset or mad or anything like that. Just emotionless. I think it may be the way my mind and heart wants to handle it. I have a feeling once I get on that stand to testify for my dad, and the situation starts to sink in, I may lose it.

I am praying so hard that my dad gets probation and does not have to do time. If he has to do time everything will be turned upside down and we will really just be fighting to keep afloat.

So tonight - I will lay down in my bed - but probably not sleep.

I love my Dad so much. He is such a wonderful man.

This father's day was exceptionally hard for the family being his court date is a day away. We dont' know what is going to happen to him.

My dad is the reason why I want to join the Air Force. He retired after putting 20yrs in, so I was definitely a military brat. So I pretty much bleed blue because of him.

He cried a couple times today, I knew he would. He is distraught over the decision he made that has the family hanging in the balance.

I love him so much though.

I am sitting here crying for so many reasons tonight.

I don't know what is going to happen to my dad. His court date is in two days and everything is hanging in the balance. I am praying that he does not have to do time. If he has to do time everything in my family will fall apart and I am not sure where to start picking up the pieces.

I miss Aaron everyday. We were together off and on four years. I can't believe how things just fell apart. I love him so much still. Even though he repeatedly hurt me, and repeatedly was flirting and lying about the other girls. I don't know when we went wrong. I don't know what little steps we took that led us to our end. I can't stand to listen to certain songs. "What Hurts the Most" does it for me everytime. I finally watched the music video and it killed me.
If something ever happened to him...I don't know what I would do. We still have not really talked about everything. I just don't know how to move on.

I met another guy. Hop is his nickname on the football team. He is such a nice guy, and I do genuinely have interest in him. But from day one, I knew that it was not right. He is a wonderful man, but I know he just does not fit what I am looking for in a guy. I decided I would go out on a few dates with him, see if it changes as we hang out together more. I have not been able to go out with him yet because I am back in Texas for a bit. When I make my way back up north I will get to finally go out on a date with him. We have been talking on the phone at least twice a day for about two weeks now. It has been fun doing so. I just wish I could talk to him about stuff without it always turning into something sexual. I am not a sexual person. I think just because with everything that happened I feel dirty or something. I don't know. I want him and I to have a good pure relationship. But I have a feeling it has been messed up already with some of our topics of conversation.

Don't get me wrong, we haven't had phone xes or anything like that. We just have mentioned the topic and talked about likes and dislikes a bit. I feel really bad about talking to someone so quickly about that topic :(

I feel...impure...

i never wanted to be impure you see...

it happened quicker than i could ever had imagined...

i froze...

i don't know why i froze...

i have self defense training...

i never used it...

why?

who knows...

my fault?

probably...







make me pure again.